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Chopz
06-19-2007, 08:01 PM
...Subjective Hatred...

A male stepped into the darkness, with a mind perceived as the sharpest,
The smartest kid on the forum, seen as persistent and consistent to the masters,
They look upon the child, with no empathy or remorse for his life,
Not thinking about the values he's lost, by growing up engulfed in strife,
Swallowed by the night, no family that he can say loves him wholly,
A mind of memories with no links, a past which is both blurred and holey,
The amnesia of the child has caused him to grow increasingly wild,
He forgot his name to his hometown, forgot his personalities which makes him vile,
The drugs only make him violent, he hurts himself for a re-burst of morphine,
No friends so the kid is silent, cutting his own wrists to make sure that he bleeds,
To make sure that he can feel, the pain which the others around him know,
And although every bodyís pain is different, it is still the same in a single blow,
A single bow, with a crooked arrow can break the heart of the strongest,
And yet it is the pain of love and not bodily harm, which lasts the longest,
It is a fascist regime, that is controlling the country which he dwells in,
Even though it is meant to be democracy, the governmentís corruptness creeps in,
He has always been seen as a hoodlum, carrying a blade where he goes,
And yet it is for protection and not to rob, but he is the only person that knows,
The blood from his heart, has bled onto his clothes, now blood sodden rags,
Covered in haemoglobin, like the remains of Virginia Tecís students in body bags,
It's a sad story, a sad generation when any teenager is seen as a problem kid,
So I can try with all my might, but it is apparent that I will never fit in...



All feedback is appreciated, thank you for reading.

CopOnDr.Monkley
06-20-2007, 05:09 AM
8 out of 10, you lose two points for the atrocious poetry.

LOC
06-20-2007, 05:42 PM
Good shit chopz....best poetry ive seen in here for awhile..since enzyme actually.

Chopz
06-20-2007, 05:45 PM
Thanks a lot LOC, I did this one your style lol, freestyled it on MSN lol...

BlackStar
06-21-2007, 09:11 AM
Thanks a lot LOC, I did this one your style lol, freestyled it on MSN lol...

lol? you freestyled a poem? Wow...I mean, how many poem writers are freestyling a poem? Famous writers like Goethe or Schiller mostly need days, weeks yea, even years to finish a piece...so I'm not a big friend of freestyling poems. But like I said in the other comment, poem is an art...so if this is how you express yourself, fine then.
This piece has again the same rhyme scheme like the others...AA BB...and again it could be a prose...
Your contents are very nice, I really like them. This was an amazing part:

The blood from his heart, has bled onto his clothes, now blood sodden rags,
Covered in haemoglobin, like the remains of Virginia Tecís students in body bags,

and you painted a very good picture in my head. But it feels strange for me to call it a poem...

Chopz
06-21-2007, 10:24 AM
I understand that these can be percieved as Rap verses, but if this was in a "Rap song" I would have a lot less feedback than I do already and I do write this slightly different than I do my rap verses... Thanks again Black...