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Chopz
06-19-2007, 07:08 PM
...Shades of Misfortune...

Checkmate, a move which signifies the end of a time-span,
And when itís over the heroes are cleared from the promised map,
The black and white squares, signifying both hatred and love,
One square is meant for Lucifer whilst the other hails from above,


A child of the world, is thrown into the shadows of darkness,
Growing up without a father, has had the child mistaken as a heartless,
A black pawn, a meaningless part to play, having the child do his bidding,
Passed over through the bloodline, that kept the darkness winning,
But now in his life, he has a mother who cares for him,
Trying to win him back, to the side of his caring kin,
Never to know the lies, he is fed from his deceitful friends,
A life he thought he knew, was all a facade, it was fake in the end,
Two things pulled him through the strife, his love and his talent
But the worlds troubles landed on his shoulders, knocking him off balance,
Only to see that he had again took misfortune on the wrong square,
The Darkened knight used his horse to strike, the kid into a pit of nowhere,
Off the board off the map, he is forever searching his own thoughts,
Growing up through the troubles of past, where he is most vulnerable,


And as time restarts, he catches a stray note in the air,
Only to drum the beat on his knees, the pawn is feeling a sense of care,
A sense of love, a sense of commitment to what he hears, itís only for his ears,
The black king is loosening his hold on him, after all these years,
The pawn concentrates as hard as he can, with the pen in his hand,
Takes his place as the white king and uses the ink to write in his padÖ

Thank you for reading, all feedback is appreciated.

BlackStar
06-19-2007, 07:29 PM
*comes in the poetry section, sees Chopz' poem, spit on the ground, leaves the poetry section*

feed later...or never...

CopOnDr.Monkley
06-20-2007, 05:10 AM
I agree with blackstar. six out of ten.

Chopz
06-20-2007, 05:38 PM
I know my poetry and writing abilities suck... Therfore it would be of great help if you were to tell me how I could improve?

LOC
06-20-2007, 05:45 PM
Luv it...well put...duno why u think u suck lol...ur better poetry than u are rappin imo lol.

FranchizeTheKid
06-20-2007, 06:09 PM
This Poem Is Amazing, I Bet If Someone Used It In Class, They'd Get An A+ :D

BlackStar
06-21-2007, 09:02 AM
I know my poetry and writing abilities suck... Therfore it would be of great help if you were to tell me how I could improve?

sorry, my comment supposed to be a joke...but yea, they suck

well, I read "fear" before this and the rhyme scheme is the same. Again, this looks like a rap verse.
Use a different rhyme scheme next time.
It's more a story then a poem in my eyes...it could be a prose imo
I guess you're reading other poems...which writers do you like?

It's a lil bit senseless to ask for "tips" how you can improve your poetry skills since poetry is an art. Only you can decide what you want to change. If you don't know how to reach a special aim, you can ask other people (like how you can express your feelings more FOR EXAMPLE). But to ask how you can improve your writing skills...well that's senseless in my eyes when we're talking about poetry.

Chopz
06-21-2007, 10:22 AM
Well it isn't exactly pointless... Do you think people like Van Gogh, Raphael, Donatello, they all drew their art from the beggining without getting tips on how to improve themselves... No. A poem is a piece of writing that consists of your own opinions and thoughts but it is still possible for others to judge the writing skills themself and asses and tell you how you can improve the written quality... Ohh and, what is the difference between a rap verse and a poetry verse?

BlackStar
06-21-2007, 12:18 PM
Ohh and, what is the difference between a rap verse and a poetry verse?

shit I knew you would ask this...well, since RAP means Rhythm and Poetry, you need a rhythm in a rap verse. The syllables, rhyming parts, lenght of the lines, beat, voice (including speed here) are also important for a rap verse. That's why some people can't catch the flow in your or sparx verses. But I can't tell you the real differances between a rap and a poetry verse...maybe there aren't any. But looks how we help to improve...it's not that people count every simile, meta, wordplay...it's how we express ourself. My feedback isn't special, I just say some words to every line or bar...but a poem...I don't know...it's something...more complex. Maybe that's the difference...a rap verse should be simple, it should come from the heart with a message in it. But a poem...man, you can express everything with a poem...but you aren't force to make it clearly for the reader. You can make it as complex as you want since it's mostly for you and you want to reach just a few people with it. With a rap verse, you want to reach more than just a few (that's what I'm trying to do).
Take Alexe for example. This dude is amazing in poetry...he can use so many vocabs and metas...it's unbelievable. But people don't like his work always 'cause it's too complex...but that's poetry in my eyes. If he feels this way...than fine! I really love his work.
Imagine he would do it in a rap verse...just a few people would understand him...the other would call him a vocab rapper.
But whatever...I just can give you little advices since I'm not very good at poetry. Don't use the same rhyme scheme in every poem and try to keep the lines shorter...maybe it's my deffinition of a poem (I guess it's wrong to say that) but a poem should have verses...maybe you come away from the "text-looking" style with it.

Chopz
06-21-2007, 01:09 PM
Well, if you think my poems were simple just say that, that's what real feedback is... If you think they are too simple then just say that and that is cool for me.

BlackStar
06-21-2007, 01:32 PM
Well, if you think my poems were simple just say that, that's what real feedback is... If you think they are too simple then just say that and that is cool for me.

you misunderstood me...a poem can be complex...that's why I expect when I'm reading a poem...that's what I learnt in school...that behind every poem is much more then just a some lines. And yours look more like a story...mabe it's the language...I just read German poems. But anyway...good work. I won't get more detailed next time.

Chopz
06-21-2007, 04:53 PM
Nah I like it detailed it is just that I misunderstood what you were saying, thanks B.S...

Hostile
06-25-2007, 09:49 PM
It was tooo deep for me to understand. What does it all mean?

BlackStar
06-26-2007, 04:45 AM
It was tooo deep for me to understand. What does it all mean?

it was about a person which is controled by the "dark" site...the bad site. He does bad things has bad influences (friends). Only his mum support and loves him. He has talent for a special thing...so he works on it and comes up. He starts to realize that the past things were shit. Then he got beat down again but at the end he works himself up and his on the white site...the good site now.
that's a very short and bad review but I think it gives you a lil help. Of course, chopz can explain it to you better since this is his verse:D

Hostile
06-26-2007, 03:58 PM
The chess part was what was throwing it off..It'd be about people, then about chess pieces.

Thnx for explaining it..It was stil cool tho..Suuuper deep.

Chopz
06-26-2007, 06:25 PM
Thanks for the feedback Hostile... Yea Black gave an awesome breakdown... Just a few things to add... This is based around somebodys real life and I wrote it for another person... And yes the Chess world is a metaphor for the world of people... and the main chess piece is actually a person... Thanks for the feedback y'all...

Montana
07-17-2007, 09:19 PM
...Shades of Misfortune...

Checkmate, a move which signifies the end of a time-span,
And when itís over the heroes are cleared from the promised map,
The black and white squares, signifying both hatred and love,
One square is meant for Lucifer whilst the other hails from above,



A child of the world, is thrown into the shadows of darkness,
Growing up without a father, has had the child mistaken as a heartless,
A black pawn, a meaningless part to play, having the child do his bidding,
Passed over through the bloodline, that kept the darkness winning,
But now in his life, he has a mother who cares for him,
Trying to win him back, to the side of his caring kin,
Never to know the lies, he is fed from his deceitful friends,
A life he thought he knew, was all a facade, it was fake in the end,
Two things pulled him through the strife, his love and his talent
But the worlds troubles landed on his shoulders, knocking him off balance,
Only to see that he had again took misfortune on the wrong square,
The Darkened knight used his horse to strike, the kid into a pit of nowhere,
Off the board off the map, he is forever searching his own thoughts,
Growing up through the troubles of past, where he is most vulnerable,


And as time restarts, he catches a stray note in the air,
Only to drum the beat on his knees, the pawn is feeling a sense of care,
A sense of love, a sense of commitment to what he hears, itís only for his ears,
The black king is loosening his hold on him, after all these years,
The pawn concentrates as hard as he can, with the pen in his hand,
Takes his place as the white king and uses the ink to write in his padÖ

Thank you for reading, all feedback is appreciated.

Very Deep And Hard 2 Figure Out The Chess Idea Iz Kool.
Quite Depressing Poem Gd Story Telling


Explain The Chess-People Connection?


And as time restarts, he catches a stray note in the air,
Only to drum the beat on his knees, the pawn is feeling a sense of care,
A sense of love, a sense of commitment to what he hears, itís only for his ears,
The black king is loosening his hold on him, after all these years,

Many Parts Had Showed Great Writing Skillz Man

Id Rate It Outta 10 But Not Clever Enough 2 Get It Cuz Lol

Sfe