PDA

View Full Version : My First Valentine



ALEXE
03-03-2007, 08:43 PM
This is for the first girl I spent a Valentine's day with, my true love :wub: my ultimate inspiration. Please leave your personal impression about the poem :roll: Enjoy!


My First Valentine
For Cocolina

Cast on a single molding part
A child I was, reticent wight.
Mutiny plagued my malaised heart
On yours becoming parasite.

Surcease to days of my maunder,
This idyll's my first and the last.
Safe from erosion or sunder
Our togetherness' Eden cast.

I find it easy to ascribe
A hero's halo to your grace.
As much as my soul would imbibe
You melt for me as we embrace.

Unto ensuring happiness
My pursuit's to entice your glee,
My commitment's uxorious
As we are to conflate duly.

Pellucid sentiment, nascent
Urge of evoking my passion,
I dote upon you in relent
Of true love in an honest fashion.

BlackStar
03-03-2007, 08:47 PM
lol...I was wondering why you feeded every poem here...lol here is the answer :D

I'll feed it later homie...it's late here but it will be the first drop that I'm feeding tomorrow!

BlackStar
03-04-2007, 10:46 AM
This is for the first girl I spent a Valentine's day with, my true love :wub: my ultimate inspiration. Please leave your personal impression about the poem :roll: Enjoy!


My First Valentine
For Cocolina

Cast on a single molding part
A child I was, reticent wight.
Mutiny plagued my malaised heart
On yours becoming parasite.

Surcease to days of my maunder,
This idyll's my first and the last.
Safe from erosion or sunder
Our togetherness' Eden cast.

I find it easy to ascribe
A hero's halo to your grace.
As much as my soul would imbibe
You melt for me as we embrace.

Unto ensuring happiness
My pursuit's to entice your glee,
My commitment's uxorious
As we are to conflate duly.

Pellucid sentiment, nascent
Urge of evoking my passion,
I dote upon you in
Of true love in an honest fashion.


the way you right is a lil bit stagnant
but I like the rhyme scheme here...mostly people use the AABB rhyme scheme (rhyming couplet) for poems like in a rap...so nice to see an ABAB rhyme scheme here (cross rhyme).
The way you use the "parasite" in the first verse shows how much you need the other person cause a parasite needs a host to survive. Very good work and nice metaphor!
The way how you described a paradise-like condition in the 2nd verse is very nice. It's a really nice Allegory.
The 3rd verse is just beautiful...can't find words to describe the way you used the words lol. It's just...wow!
I like how you explain your feelings in the 4th verse. The Hyperboles are great in it!
The 5th verse is just awesome too. The way how you describe it is just amazing!

Damn boy, you got such a great talent! That are real skillz in my eyes. The fact that English isn't your mother tongue too gives me more energy and hope that I'll understand it that good as you do. Keep up the work homie!

P.S. sorry for saying so often "the way how" lol...

ALEXE
03-04-2007, 11:23 AM
thanks alot, Blackstar
your breakdown is great and I enjoyed reading it
your words encourage me to go on, your compliments are all the more appreciated since you are a lyricist yourself, and a good one at that
thank you again and I'll be sure to post some of my other dissimilar poems (style wise) because I have experienced almost everything from blank verse to sonnets, and so on, just so I wouldn't be stagnant... my latest have been simpler in structure, you're right, and I'll try to make amends for that.
uppin on replies (awaiting Summer_Heat especially :D )

Flash
03-04-2007, 01:29 PM
great poem alexe!i dont know what to say.................great poem!keep it up!you are talented!

Nickolai
03-04-2007, 02:13 PM
give a lil feed later
peace

ALEXE
03-07-2007, 07:26 AM
Flash - thank you! but it's all subjective :)
Nickolai - ...oook :roll:

ALEXE
03-07-2007, 05:34 PM
Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay
yes you are, mate, no doubt about it :Yayo:
but keep refferences to self in topics with more relevance of your idiocy.
and to save you the trip to the dictionary (which you'd probably be forced to make) here's a short definition of that 'weird' word in the end there:
idiocy (noun) = extreme mental retardation
just so you can use it in future self-refferences, okay?
oh, and further replies would just be otiose and only pejorative to you, so give it a break you ignorant pettifogger!

Summer_heat
03-08-2007, 02:24 PM
very sweet and sincere.

sounds like ur pretty much still in love!

"I find it easy to ascribe
A hero's halo to your grace.
As much as my soul would imbibe
You melt for me as we embrace."

so bueatiful, its like a poetry version of Cupids Chokehold by Gym Class heros!
nice really liking it, glad to see u posting again, missed it!

Summer_heat
03-08-2007, 02:40 PM
@dtb, uve just proven alexe right. now that was class.

Dermo_theMerciless
03-09-2007, 10:04 PM
sluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut

Nickolai
03-22-2007, 02:24 PM
This is for the first girl I spent a Valentine's day with, my true love :wub: my ultimate inspiration. Please leave your personal impression about the poem :roll: Enjoy!


My First Valentine
For Cocolina

Cast on a single molding part
A child I was, reticent wight.
Mutiny plagued my malaised heart
On yours becoming parasite.

LIKED THE WAY U INTRODUCED URSELF IN THIS FIRST STANZA, THE MUTINY PLAGUED LINE FELT REALLY SHOWN YOUR HURT AS A CHILD

Surcease to days of my maunder,
This idyll's my first and the last.
Safe from erosion or sunder
Our togetherness' Eden cast.

YOUR VOCAB AND ADJECTIVES CREATE A PICTURE IN MY HEAD OF LIKE BLISS COMPARED TO WOT IT WAS LIKE AS A CHILD

I find it easy to ascribe
A hero's halo to your grace.
As much as my soul would imbibe
You melt for me as we embrace.

LIKED THIS STANZA, FELT AS IF YOU ARE STARTING TO FEEL GOOD IN LIFE ETC

Unto ensuring happiness
My pursuit's to entice your glee,
My commitment's uxorious
As we are to conflate duly.

DEEP STUFF STILL, HAS BEEN THROUGH OUT THIS POEM, 2ND LINE TELLS ME HOW YOU PROBZ FEEL ITS UR RESPONSIBILITY TO MAKE UR VALENTINE HAPPY, U CAN TELL ME IF IM WRONG LOL

Pellucid sentiment, nascent
Urge of evoking my passion,
I dote upon you in relent
Of true love in an honest fashion.

ALOT OF TIGHT VOCAB IN THIS STANZA AND THELAST LINE IN MY OPINION ENDS THE POEM VERY NICELY, UVE SHOWN ALOT OF PASSION IN THIS POEM AND AS TOLD IN UR SECOND LINE

OVERALL THIS WAS A VERY GOOD POEM, DEEP AND EMOTIONAL, THE KIND OF STYLE IM INTO NOWDAYZ
THERES OBVIOUSLY ALOT OF LOVE FROM YOU TO GIVE TO YUOR VALENTINE WHICH AHS BEEN SHOWN IN THIS POEM
SORRY ABOUT TAKING SO LONG TO GIVE FEED
BUT I LOOK FORWARD TO SOME MORE OF YUOR MATERIAL
PROPZ